The counterintuitive approach to an amazing international marriage

Many people assume that when they start a relationship, they have ‘made it’. But realistically, the beginning of a relationship is exactly when the real work starts. Now I’m going to show you a deep dive into why personal development plays an important role in relationships.

A happy international marriage is built by concerted effort.

A good marriage requires you to be very attentive to your partner’s needs, be playful and spontaneous, have great ideas to contribute and maintain a good sense of humor in life. Meanwhile, a healthy marriage requires you to stay away from typical traps: negativity, complaining, etc.

If a mainstream magazine tells you to just be yourself, please pause and think about this, “If just being myself is the right method, I must have got what I want already.”

That means although it’s very important to be authentic, you are not supposed to stay the same at all times – you need to evolve and improve yourself so that your flaws won’t ruin your relationship.

Let me ask you this question: Can you be satisfied in a marriage with a woman who is caring, loving and nurturing 30% of the time & difficult, clingy and selfish 70% of the time?

Probably no.

That’s because in terms of what makes a sustainable marriage, quantity actually matters much more than quality in many ways.

Well, you may question whether that’s true or not. Please think about why most relationships don’t work.

In actuality, most relationships (no violence or cheating) are not really ruined by one behavior. In fact, most relationships fail due to an accumulation of bad behaviors which are repeated too frequently.

That is to say, frequency is more important than you think.

Being great 30% of the time and terrible 70% of the time is far from enough. Quantity is key.

Research shows that happy couples tend to experience a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative communication. In other words, for every one negative interaction, a happy couple have five good interactions. Basically, a good interaction can be a nice conversation, an exciting shared experience, a hug, etc. So, the frequency of good interactions sustains a happy marriage.

Indeed, it’s so much better to have a Ukrainian wife who treats you to small surprises each month than someone who makes one tremendous token effort on Christmas Eve but a pretty bad partner on 364 days in one year.

Also, you can probably handle someone who is moody once per month, but handling someone’s moody behavior five times per week will possibly cause mental health issues.

Don’t stop trying to impress each other.

In a successful international marriage, a happy couple never stop impressing each other. This means they constantly increase the amount of affection they have & they manage their negative qualities effectively as well. Remember: your spouse is not supposed to face your worst side very frequently.

Clearly, nobody should accept you at your worst all the time. It’s your responsibility to learn how to minimize your worst side.

I know it’s not easy to change yourself and your own habits, but your success is always outside of your comfort zone.

Your comfort zone is also known as your familiar zone. Things that you are familiar with do not scare you, but they also don’t challenge you in the right ways.

In order to keep growing, you have to keep challenging yourself in the right ways. Anything that is not growing is dying in reality.

So, from now on, you would be well-advised to do something that scares you every day. That’s how you expand your comfort zone gradually and become a better version of yourself as time goes by.

Let’s say you don’t have enough energy to spend quality time with your Ukrainian wife because your business keeps you extremely busy and exhausted. Now perhaps you should do some pruning. Ask yourself these three questions:

  1. Which project in my business doesn’t work?
  2. Which project isn’t contributing to my important goal?
  3. Which project doesn’t feel right?

Anything that has been identified in this process should be removed from your business. I know Question 1 and Question 2 are easy to understand, but when it comes to Question 3, you may wonder why this is a legitimate question.

Well, truthfully, when something feels a bit off, it’s off. You don’t really need further evidence because if your body feels contraction rather than expansion whenever you think of a particular project, you should trust your body’s wisdom. This isn’t some woo-woo stuff. This is based on scientific research – your intuition is always right, but as adults, we tend to talk ourselves out of trusting our intuition and use analytical thinking too much.

Choosing the right person is the fundamental way to ensure happiness in a marriage.

“How do I tell if a woman is likely to cheat?”

“How do I avoid users, abusers and losers?”

“What are the typical signs that a woman is manipulative?”

People who ask these questions have a pain-minimization approach to love. They spend a lot of time worrying about the worst-case scenarios rather than finding out how they can have the best love life.

Yes, there are definitely answers to the above questions, but none of the answers will be totally fool-proof.

It’s perfectly normal to ask the above-mentioned questions. However, at the initial stage of a relationship, thinking about those questions all the time isn’t helpful.

Remember: good women hate being treated as your objects of potential suspicion. They fear that each word they say will be used as some kind of evidence against them.

When you use the pain-minimization approach to love, you focus on ‘catching her out’ instead of connecting with her genuinely. Let me show you an example below:

HIM: “Have you ever cheated on your ex?”

HER: “No.”

HIM: “But how do I know I can fully trust you?”

HER: …?!

This is obviously an attraction-killer. She will begin to focus on what she thinks you would like to hear rather than who she really is.

So, a much better approach is to get out of “interview-style” mode and have intense curiosity. At the beginning, your interaction with a woman is for connection only. At this stage, all you need to focus on is to see whether you actually feel attracted to her and if you genuinely like each other.

Also, you should make her feel comfortable expressing her honest beliefs. If a woman feels like you won’t judge her, she is more likely to tell you who she really is. Therefore, whenever a woman gives you her opinions on dating and relationships, you shouldn’t react emotionally or dramatically.

Please note that a candidate reveals much more about her suitability and personality when she doesn’t think she is being tested. If you would like to make her feel comfortable when you disagree with her, you can show her that you understand what she is talking about and then let her tell you what she truly thinks.

“Stay curious. Keep impressing your Ukrainian wife.”

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