How to believe in yourself and find an international relationship

November 30, 2021 at 2.49pm by in International Dating
international relationship

When a woman makes you doubt your worth by belittling you, should you accept it? If you call her out for her bad behavior, will she be angry? If you end this relationship, will you be able to meet someone else? Will you have a love life after a breakup? These questions are extremely common because rumination is commonplace. A lot of men don’t break up with their girlfriends simply because they don’t want to end a relationship and then have to begin to look for love again. I understand that – I had a colleague who ended a 30-year relationship with his ex-wife, and now he is back on the dating market in his 50s – he says it’s not easy. But fundamentally, you need to decide whether your confidence is solid or not!

Fear is the reason why so many men question themselves.

When many men are in/out of relationships, they allow fear to be in charge. Actually, they also allow fear to be in charge of their emotions/behavior/career choices….

Example 1:

Mathew is married to a woman who has caused a lot of friction in his social circle – she was even throwing plates, knives and phones to Mathew when his friends were in their house for a dinner party. They had called the police for at least six or seven times, so the police already knew them. Because of his wife, Mathew suffers from depression & has lost a lot of job opportunities as most connections in his social circle left him in order to avoid his wife. (If he has the courage to leave his toxic wife, he would be able to build his confidence, career and mental health!)

Example 2:

Max has anxiety, so he can’t stop rumination. Today on his way home, he was walking under a few big trees while thinking… “Am I going to get a bird’s poo on my head?” Even though he didn’t feel anything dropping onto his head, he still went home and looked at his hair in the mirror for 2 or 3 times – and he didn’t see anything in his hair at all. Hypervigilance makes him paranoid. (If he actually got a bird’s poo on his head, he would have felt it! The fact that he didn’t feel anything on his head means he didn’t get a bird’s poo on his head. Period.)

Example 3:

Peter was made redundant by the university that he worked at for more than six years – because of the pandemic, the university has to shut down that department as they didn’t have enough international students – the business wasn’t viable anymore. Some of his colleagues were open-minded enough to change their careers, e.g., a colleague has found a new job in a company; another colleague has found a new job in a department store. However, Peter has been teaching for many years and that was basically the only career that he knows well. Consequently, he was unwilling to change careers. In other words, he is afraid of the unknown. Today he is still unemployed. (If he is happy to leave the higher education industry and try something different, perhaps he can be an administrator of a primary/high school.)

The above-mentioned three examples are very typical. When people let fear dictate their emotions/behavior/career choices, their actions are not guided by what brings them closer to their best self anymore. Instead, their animal brain is in control, so they live in fear constantly.

I’m not saying I’m better than everyone else. In fact, many years ago, my life coach said to me, “You lived in fear all your life. On your birthday, I’d like you to give yourself the most valuable gift – the permission to be relaxed, find something that you love and do something that makes you happy!”

The ultimate solution is to give yourself the permission to get unstuck.

When your animal brain takes over, you always wonder whether bad things could happen. You live in survival mode.

I find my life coach’s advice very helpful – My birthday was (& still is) at the end of the year and at that time I just found a new job (Yes, even though I had anxiety when I was younger due to a difficult childhood, I has been a capable person all my life). Therefore, I bought a new diary and wrote these down:

To celebrate my birthday, I give myself the permission not to ruminate (I decided to go to bed early every night so that I could maintain good mental health); to celebrate my new job, I give myself the permission to find something that I love (I bought myself a golden bracelet); to celebrate Christmas and New Year, I give myself the permission to do something that makes me happy (I went to a karaoke bar and had a good time).

I built my confidence gradually after that. 😊

When a guy doesn’t have inner confidence, he would cling to his girlfriend harder than anything else in this world even if she treats him badly. ☹

The most high-value men that I know are strong and smart. They have an eternal rock of self-esteem that cannot be removed no matter what. They proactively build their unshakeable inner core by themselves, piece by piece. Now they are ready for international relationships. 😉

“Before finding an international relationship, you must have core confidence.”

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