When and how to talk about finances in dating & relationships

As a taboo topic in western culture, money isn’t the prettiest thing to talk about. On the popular TV show Mad Men, young Sally Draper asks her mother, “Are we rich?” Her mom Betty simply says, “It’s impolite to talk about money.” Obviously, people feel uncomfortable when money is the topic. But in dating and relationships, money is the most important topic of all, yet most people avoid talking about it. No wonder the No. 1 reason for divorce in western countries is money & small wonder why the divorce rate is 50% in western countries.

Don’t be afraid to talk about finances in dating and relationships.

Talking about money is only awkward when you believe this is actually an awkward topic. By contrast, if you are totally relaxed whenever you bring up this topic, your partner won’t feel awkward, because you two are a team.

Yet if both of you feel awkward while talking about money, that means probably you aren’t a team yet. As a team, you should totally trust each other.

Therefore, this should be your mindset – it’s okay to talk about money with your partner because it’s all about honesty. In this way, a lot of drama and stress will be avoided in the long term. In other words, when you talk about difficult topics early, your life will be easier in the future.

Easy decisions = hard life. Hard decisions = easy life.

Know your partner’s personal finances early in the relationship.

People don’t like surprises when it comes to serious topics. Thus, if you think you are dating a multi-millionaire, but this person turns out to be a bum, you will be surprised and you won’t like it.

Hence, it’s very important to know your partner’s finances early in the dynamics.

But now the question is – how?

Well, if you only look at an individual’s dating profile, you can only guess this person’s finances based on the lifestyle that is presented in his/her photos and dating profile description. The first impression usually isn’t the last impression in dating and relationships. Sad but true.

Nonetheless, in superficial relationships, the first impression is also the last impression. For instance, when an employee attends a job interview and has got the employer’s approval, this first impression can be the last impression because expectations at work aren’t that hard to meet & nobody will think too much in this type of relationships.

However, if you are planning on marrying someone, this is a completely different relationship. That means chances are the first impression isn’t the last impression.

So, please don’t be fooled by the first impression.

That’s why you need to figure out whether the individual you’ve met on the best dating site is actually high-value or not if this person rocks up as a high-value individual. Frankly, if this candidate appears to be successful in order to fake a luxury lifestyle, that’s very dangerous because he/she doesn’t have the resources to actually become a high achiever & he/she probably needs to use other people’s resources to look successful.

Now if you think you are dating a high-value mate, you should find out two things early: 1) Where does this person live? If this person lives in an affluent area, chances are their wealth is real (you don’t have to find out their specific address now). 2) Where does this person work? If this person is actually the CEO of a successful company, obviously he/she is really successful.

Upgrade plans with your date.

Let’s say you are dating a high-value mate who says you two should have a romantic dinner together. Now you can say this to your high-value mate, “Why not fly to XYZ City for a romantic night. We can go to ABC restaurant there and then attend a concert. I can book our flight on your card today.” If your high-value mate is for real, normally that should be okay, as long as he/she doesn’t have any other commitments which may make this spontaneous plan impossible in terms of logistics.

Of course, not everyone is a con artist who pretends to be wealthy in order to get something from others & there are many high-caliber singles who are successful and generous. So, chances are you can talk about money with your high-value mate because money is not a problem for them.

Talk about finances when trust is built.

Whenever you’ve built trust with your partner, you can begin to talk about finances with them. Note that the less you avoid such a topic, the easier your conversation will become.

Here is a list of important questions that you can ask your partner:

1. What are your Money Dials? (Money Dials: things that you don’t mind spending a lot of money on, i.e. things you value.)
2. What are your money management habits? (e.g. Do you have a money time with yourself every fortnight?)
3. What are your money goals? (e.g. How much money do you plan to save in five years? How much money do you expect to make in the current financial year?)

Use “we”, “us” and “our” more often in your communication.

Successful public speakers always use “we”, “our” and “us” in their speeches because they know how to sell ideas to the audience very well. Whenever people hear “we”, “our” and “us”, they think the speaker is actually talking to them on a personal level, so it feels more intimate and sincere.

As a result, when you are talking to your partner about personal finances in your relationship, you can also use more “we”, “our” and “us” language in your communication. This will make your partner accept your ideas more easily.

Here’s a list of examples regarding how to use this technique while talking about money with your partner:

1. Every week we should have a money date together so that we can sit down and have a look at our finances. How about 2pm on Saturday afternoon?
2. At the end of every financial year, we’d better analyze what we’ve done with our finances over the year & have a plan for the new financial year, okay?
3. In order to make our life better, we should do what’s best for us in terms of personal finances. Should we open a shared account at the bank?

These are simple ways to build a financial future together with your partner without manipulation, playing games or beating around the bush in dating and relationships.

Make sure your values and your partner’s values are compatible.

When two people have incompatible values, they can’t have a sustainable relationship, because they fundamentally value very different things and they will spend lots of money on very different items, which will cause problems in this long-term relationship.

“Let’s say you value fashion, so you spend a lot of money on clothes, which makes you very happy and satisfied. But your partner values knowledge and only wants to spend money on their education. This can be a conflict when it comes to finances in this relationship. If you have to lie to your partner whenever you buy an expensive jacket by telling your partner it’s only $30, perhaps your partner has already lied to you when he/she bought a $10,000 coaching program by saying it’s only $10. Then you won’t trust each other in the long run.”